Andrea Brandt Ph.D. M.F.T. Mindful Anger

7 Steps to Resolving Conflict With a Passive-Aggressive

There's a win-win solution out there. Here's how to find it.
Posted Sep 01, 2016
wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock
Source: wavebreakmedia/Shutterstock
Most people are afraid of conflict in their relationship. No one really enjoys getting into arguments with a partner. But  some people find conflict more terrifying than others, and a passive-aggressive person is deathly afraid of conflict.
When you're the partner of someone who behaves in a passive-aggressive way, it can feel like you're locked in an endless dance of anger and frustration. Over my 35 years as a marriage therapist, I've tried and tested many ways to resolve conflicts and have come up with 7 battle-tested steps to resolving conflicts with a passive-aggressive partner.
In order for any conflict-resolution strategy to work, you must come to it from a place of empathy for the person who is passive-aggressive, so first let's learn a bit about the trait.
Like most emotional responses, our attitudes about conflict begin in our childhood. If the conflict your partner saw at home as a kid involved open expressions of anger—and sometimes violence—your partner's experience has taught them that conflict means someone will get hurt. If, instead of outward expressions of uncontrolled anger, your partner's family did the opposite and avoided conflict at all costs, your partner likely never learned how to fight fair—meaning, they never learned that conflicts can be productive tools.
Healthy conflict doesn't only resolve a dispute, but it can also build understanding and compassion in relationships.
For people who rely on passive-aggressive behavior to get their needs met, their biggest fear is that any overt disagreement will lead to the end of a relationship. Your partner is likely anxious and doesn't want to tell you directly how they feel because of fear about how you may react. Your partner is scared that you will abandon or divorce them if they assertively express their needs and desires.
Now you know where passive-aggressiveness comes from, here are my 7 steps to resolving conflicts with a passive-aggressive partner:
1. Cool down.
If you approach your partner when you're in the throes of an angry emotional reaction, no good will come of it; your partner will just shut down. Take some time to breathe and cool down, examine your anger, and gain control of your emotion before you proceed. Seriously. Take time on this step. Things tend to go wrong when people try to resolve conflicts while they're emotionally activated.
2. Discuss.
Talk to your partner about exactly what the problem is. Both of you should define the problem from your own point of view. You want to make sure the conversation you think you're having is the conversation you're actually having. Don't try to read your partner's mind.
3. Brainstorm.
Work together to come up with ideas and options for solving your problem. Make a list of all the possible solutions—include ones you don't like, ones your partner might not like, and ones that sound crazy but could maybe, possibly work. Throw it all out there.
4. Pros and cons.
Now that you've got your list of ideas for solutions, go through your list and discuss the pros and cons of them. Talk about what you like about the ideas and what you don't like. In the discussion you might even come up with more ideas!
5. Win-win.
Choose the solution that works best for both parties. Have the intention that everyone wins, or at least no one loses. The win-win solution is the best one, but obviously that's not always realistic in every conflict.
6. Execute the solution. 
Put your idea into practice and see what happens. Be sure to give it time; change isn't immediate.
7. Evaluate the solution.
Come back after you've tried out the solution for a little while (you might want to agree on a date to discuss it in advance). Did it work? What, if anything, might you do better next time?
There are also some important behavioral dos and don'ts that will help make these conflict resolution steps work (or fail to work). You may want to add to this list. Then go over it with your partner before you start discussing the issue at hand:
  • Do: Focus on the present or future.
  • Don't: Rehash history.
     
  • Do: Use a respectful tone.
  • Don't: Raise your voice or use insulting words or facial expressions.
     
  • Do: Respect your partner's feelings and ideas.
  • Don't: Criticize, attack, blame, or humiliate.
     
  • Do: Take responsibility for your own actions.
  • Don't: Tell your partner what to do.
     
  • Do: Spend the time necessary to reach a resolution.
  • Don't: Physically attack the other person or threaten violence
     
  • Do: Focus on solving the problem.
  • Don't: Focus on being right.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/06/26/stop-being-passive-aggressive-behavior-signs-_n_5515877.html
"Part of being human is having needs. Part of the reality of being in a relationship is facing the fact that your partner also has needs, and sometimes those needs aren't in line with yours. It is unrealistic to expect to live without some discord. In a healthy relationship, conflict—when used effectively—can bring you closer together by helping you work together to increase your empathy and understanding.

Sometimes people are passive-aggressive because of how they grew up, Brandt says. For example, people who grew up in a family where one parent is dominant and the other is subservient may be more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. “They learn that powerful and volatile people cannot be approached directly, but it’s OK to lie to them, or keep secrets to get what you want,” she explains. “For example, we’ve all heard this: ‘We won’t tell your father.’ That’s passive-aggressive behavior.”
While everyone exhibits passive-aggressive behavior from time to time — all you have to do is think about the last time you said “yes” when you meant “no” — there are some types of people who seem more likely to engage in it. People who are avoidant and afraid of conflict are more likely to be passive-aggressive, as are people who are low in self-esteem and self-confidence “because you’ve never been given permission to have your feelings, especially your anger,” Brandt says."

Passive-aggressive behavior, while expressed in many different ways, has the same roots: There is an underlying fear and avoidance of direct conflict, yet a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. The result? An unspoken power struggle, that can appear in several different ways. Some potential manifestations:
  • Sarcasm
  • The silent treatment
  • Withholding of intimacy
  • Withholding of praise
  • Being critical
  • Sabotage
  • Running late
  • Not doing something that’s asked of him/her
Sometimes these passive-aggressive behaviors are intentional — because the passive-aggressive person wants the other person to engage in conflict first — but other times, it’s not intentional at all, says California-based therapist Andrea Brandt, Ph.D., author of 8 Keys to Eliminating Passive-Aggressiveness and Mindful Anger: The Emotional Path To Freedom. “They find people who enable them,” Brandt explains to HuffPost. They act passive-aggressively toward people who won’t call them out, she says, and who have very weak boundaries.
Sometimes people are passive-aggressive because of how they grew up, Brandt says. For example, people who grew up in a family where one parent is dominant and the other is subservient may be more likely to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. “They learn that powerful and volatile people cannot be approached directly, but it’s OK to lie to them, or keep secrets to get what you want,” she explains. “For example, we’ve all heard this: ‘We won’t tell your father.’ That’s passive-aggressive behavior.”
While everyone exhibits passive-aggressive behavior from time to time — all you have to do is think about the last time you said “yes” when you meant “no” — there are some types of people who seem more likely to engage in it. People who are avoidant and afraid of conflict are more likely to be passive-aggressive, as are people who are low in self-esteem and self-confidence “because you’ve never been given permission to have your feelings, especially your anger,” Brandt says.
So how can you best deal with a passive-aggressive person?
1. Identify the behavior for what it is: hostility. “The big thing there is to recognize the phenomenon, the behavior, for what it is — to see it as a kind of hostility and not be fooled by the innocuousness, the sugar-coatedness of it,” Wetzler advises. “Once you recognize it’s a sign of hostility, it emboldens you to deal with it.”
The biggest mistake people make is to be lenient. Once you give in to passive-aggressive behavior, you lose your options, he explains. “It’s critical to see it as a power struggle, and then use the typical tactics one might use in a power struggle.”
2. Set limits — and then follow through. Make it clear that you won’t tolerate being mistreated, Wetzler says. If a person is constantly late and it bothers you, make it clear to the person that next time she is late meeting you for a movie, you’re just going to go in without her. “That’s a kind of limit-setting,” Wetzler says. “It’s also [a way of saying], ‘I’m not going to pay the price for your behavior.’”
3. Talk specifically — not generally. If you’re going to confront a passive-aggressive person, be clear about the issue at hand. A danger of confrontation is that statements turn too global — phrases like “You’re always this way!” won’t get you anywhere — so it’s important to confront the person about a specific action. For instance, if the silent treatment is what gets on your nerves, explain that a specific incident where you were given the silent treatment was considered a hostile move. “Call a spade a spade,” Wetzler says.
4. Practice assertive communication. There’s aggressive communication, there’s passive communication, and there’s passive-aggressive communication. None of these is as effective as assertive communication, Brandt says.
Assertive communication means being assertive and nonreactive, yet respectful. “You have a sense of confidence, you’re collaborative, [there’s a sense that] you both want to resolve the problem, in a ‘win-win’ sort of way,” she says. It’s also important to listen and not inject accusations or blame into the conversation. “It’s not just about getting your way, but taking the other person into consideration as well. Acknowledge the person and validate their feelings, which doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.”