Hello Is This The NSA?

Ringtone at the NSA to the tune of "Getting to Know You".  Person answers.  Or is it a computer?

Me:  Hello is this the NSA to whom I am speaking?

     NSA:  Yes, this call is being recorded for reasons we cannot tell you.

What do you know about me?

      Sorry, this is the NSA and that is secret.

I understand, Never Say Anything, but is there anything you can tell me about myself.

      No.

Can you tell me who I am?

     No, that is your private information.  I would have to get a warrant authorizing me to tell you.

I know who I am.

     Do you have a need to know that information?

Yes.  Do you have a need to know that information?

      Yes.  but I cannot tell you who you are.

Certainly, I understand, thank you for your service, whatever it is, I don't know.  But if I tell you who I am and ask if you have private information related to me that complies with the privacy restrictions I have, by constitutional right, to place on my private information, you must reveal what information you have or have access to if it is held by another entity so that I may verify that you are not violating my right to privacy.

      Yes, you must ask that, it is mandatory every 6 months and I must tell every 6 months.  It is your right as a citizen to .......ask any and............
       all entities including the government what data they have related to you.  Please enter your
       fingerprint and   .......DNA sample and HTTPa identifier to verify you are you and that you and
       you alone are in a secure public facility at an authorized location in a secure locked space.
       Locked for your privacy  protection to ask and receive this information.  Your HTTPa will link    .......to all data held by all entities about you.

Thank you, I will now look at all data you have or have access to about me.  Hmmm, I didn't know you knew that about.  Please unlock the the door now.  I wish to leave.

      No.